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Thursday, November 18th, 2004
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1:07 pm - to be continued...
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| Saturday, November 13th, 2004
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3:42 am
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feelin every single bit of these lyrics right now...but i'll be over it soon. everyone needs a little wallow in your self pity moment before they can count their blessings, be thankful, and feel better.
Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 8th, 2004
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3:35 pm - aftermath of screwed
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update: i left a message for my mom asking for the $2000 i contributed to the car, but she called back and pretty much said i'm not gonna get it because i used the car for 4 years. my bad, i guess i misunderstood the concept of a GIFT. she then pretty much gave me an ultimatum and said that she's giving me one week to get a new car and return the Sentra to her because it belongs to her and i can go do whatever i want and she doesn't care anymore, and then hung up before i could say anything (the usual way she ends conversations we me or my dad...the coward's way). my dad told me to put the club on my wheel cuz my mom has one of the two keys to the car. i found my club, which i never really used, but i cant find the keys. probably because my mom's the one who bought the club and she probably has the keys because she used it more than i did. so i guess i gotta freakin buy a club so my mom doesn't steal my car and leave me stranded somewhere or with no car and no money to buy a new car...nice. gotta love the motherly instincts, eh? and if i sound bitter, it's because i fucking am, and with every right.
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8:30 am - screwed over...as usual
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and...the glimmer of hope is gone. according to the DMV my name was never even on the car ever...not since 2000 when we bought it. also, they said that my mom made some change to the title of the car on friday, but it's processing and it won't show what the change was on the computer for 3 days, so i have to call back on wednesday to find out. she probably just changed the name on it to her maiden name, but whatever it is, it doesnt matter, the car's under her name and she will hold that over my head for as long as i have it. so my goal now is to just get rid of it asap. by the way, did i mention that i worked 40 hours a week at an insurance company the summer after i graduated high school and put all that money towards my car, which isnt even my car now. if i had known my own mom would screw me over like this, i would have insisted on having my name put on it. but no one ever thinks that their mom will do that to them...not at 17 years old. how can she claim to be so holy and Catholic and perfect when she pretty much stole $2000 of her 17 year old daughter's hard-earned money? i told Kristine to look for a new car. my mom finally just called me right now after i had left 4 messages on saturday but ended up hanging up on me as usual. i left her a message asking if i can have the $2000 dollars i paid for the car in exchange for the car...but it probably wont happen. i just cant wait to get rid of my car...my first car, my Jellybean Green that i loved so much...but now it's yet another reminder of my mom's dishonesty and cruelty and i am waiting for the day i can wash my hands of it. i really prayed to God this weekend that justice would be served when i called the DMV, but for some reason that i don't understand right now, it wasnt, at least not in my eyes. i'm sure He hasn't failed me and that He has a bigger plan, but i just don't see it yet. sad to say, but i dont think i'll fully experience peace in my life until my mom has passed away. it's not that i wish anything bad on her, it's just the simple truth. ironically, i'm off to field study at the Public Defender's Office to serve justice to others...maybe someday it will come back to me, but alas, today is not the day.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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3:17 pm
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stuff i want to go into more detail about but am too lazy/busy to actually follow through with right now:
-DO NOT EVER EVER EVER GET A FUCKING PERM EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you have straight, thick, long hair like mine, you will NOT look good with a perm. too bad no one told me that before i made the biggest mistake of my life. $#&^%$#&%$&$%&!!!!! freakin jerrycurl bangs, an afro, and a wet Mexican...just call me James Brown. i talked to the hairdresser and it's up to me whether i want to get a free straight perm from her next friday or not...i'll look better but more damage for my once virgin hair...#^%#&%#&%$!!! but thanks to Flo for the straightener and to all those who lied and said it looks good!
-trip to SD and Mexico for our anniversary was awesome! SD zoo and Mexico were the best parts, didn't really enjoy gaslamp too much though. many stories and pictures to come soon hopefully!
-speaking of pictures, i may join the freakin bandwagon, put my tail between my legs, concede that Blogger is pretty cool and start a blog. dont worry, i'll link it on my last entry on Live Journal so it will still be continuous.
-currently reading Bill Clinton's autobiography, My Life. it's freakin inspiring and a good ass story too so far. i'm probably a little biased because i really think Clinton was a great president, but to know that someone that came from such a tumultuous upbringing and humble background grew to be president of the United States of America leaves me in awe of all the possibilities for my own future. within the first 2 chapters, it actually made me get up and go study. now that's an amazing book! anyway, go pick it up at your local bookstore today!!
-speaking of studying, midterm grades are coming out, and so far i kicked ass...yay for me. but there are still a couple grades yet to come out...so i wont celebrate just yet. i really want a 4.0 for this and next quarter so i can leave UCI with a bang!
-speaking of leaving, i submitted my application to GRADUATE for Winter quarter on Friday!!! i dont think it's really hit me yet, but i'm at least a little excited already!
some thoughts:
-Shelbs is a good freakin friend who i miss being silly with. the kind of friend who'll be there in a jam and have plastic bags on hand if ever you need them! miss you Shelbilicious!!
-duuuude...law school?!?!? can i get in??? am i sure it's what i want to do??? i cant afford to not be sure!!
-possible kick ass job opportunity working for a personal injury law firm on the horizon...we'll see what happens. still got Boeing law department possibilities for after the LSAT to prep for...thanks to my daddy!! nepotism, much like affirmative action, i'm not proud of but will gladly accept (mostly because i dont think i actually need either to beat out the competition (i'm qualified damn it!) but it's a nice little bit of peace of mind)!
-my mom sucks more than ever. her name is on my car (which was supposedly a gift to me for graduating high school with honors and getting scholarships to some of the colleges i applied to and she told me she switched it over to my name like 4 years ago)which i was supposed to sell to Kristine today for $4500. my mom calls yesterday and demands (in not the nicest words or tone) $3000 dollars of it in cashier's check form in her name...leaving me with $1500 and no car...WTF?!?!? it was supposed to be the downpayment on my new car, but if she gets her hands on any of it, i know i'll never see it again. i half expected this because my mom does not know how to give anything without expecting something in return and does not know how to love anyone, but for months she told me that she would sign off on it and never asked for any money. so i let myself get excited for a split-second because it was the day before and nothing had gone wrong yet, but alas, my mom proves herself again in the worst way. all i could think was how can you steal from your own child??? so Kristine, who really really needs the car ASAP, and I both got screwed over. i cant deal with my mom anymore...i am done with it. this car is the last thing she has to hold over my head...so after this is settled (it's not over yet because there is still a small glimmer of hope that i will investigate tomorrow and explain later), i am just gonna cut ties with her for awhile. there's only so much you can do for someone...the rest is up to them. you cant help someone who doesnt want your help. the more i get involved, the more i get hurt, so i'm going to be selfish and look out for myself from now on. nothing good comes out of what i do for her either for her or for me, so at this point, i'm just done with it. when she's ready for help, then i'll be there. but for now, i am DONE!
please pray for peace in our world, in our families, and in our hearts. God bless ya'll!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 29th, 2004
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12:52 pm - now...medium strong
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i went to the bookstore's Halloween sale yesterday for a little bit. man, it was so packed that it was hot and hard to breathe in there! but i'm not suprised, the bookstore's prices are usually so outrageous that of course everyone needs a 25% off sale to be able to afford anything in there. anyway, during my 5th year and one quarter before i graduate, i bought my first UCI sweatshirt...lol. my dad bought one my freshman year that said "UCI DAD" on it, but i didn't get one until now. i like it though...it's brown with orange and yellow writing on the front and down the arm, and looks very palm-tree like and beachy. i also bought an "anteaters" penant, a logic book to help me prep for the LSAT before my Testmasters class starts, and Clinton's autobiography "My Life". all in all, i'm very satisfied with my purchases.
to read list: (books i've bought or gotten as gifts and hope to finish by the end of Christmas break)
-Small World by Martin Suter (a gift from Stephane by old post-doc)
-The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown (a gift from Paul)
-My Life by Bill Clinton (bookstore sale...yay!! my dad really wanted to read it too)
so far i've only started My Life, and in the first 16 pages, it's already made me cry and given me a sense of awe and hope for the great opportunities available in my future that it actually made me want to get up and study harder right away...books that inspire you to stand up and actually take action are so rare...so pick this one up at the local bookstore kids!
to watch list: (movies that i really want to watch right now but that i probably wont see until at least a year after everybody else has already seen them...such is my movie life...still haven't gotten through the Matrix)
-Raise Your Voice (w/ Hillary Duff)
-Rey (the Rey Charles story with Jamie Foxx)
-Birth (Nicole Kidman gets it on with a little boy?!?!?)
-The Grudge (w/ Sarah Michelle Gellar)
-I Heart Huckabees (still don't totally get what it's about but whatever)
high/low lights of the week:
-my man/grandma voice
-Paul's plastic bag keep-your-feet-dry invention
-Jack in the Box drive through and the flooding car
-Knott's in the pouring rain
-glow necklace
-totally eating it on Paul's driveway and having a tantrum
-Melon bars...yum
-flat tire...AGAIN!!
-Rey's kindness in driving all the way from Tustin just to take me to school
-my last(?) experiment
-coughing up a lung
-seeing Marne again
-awesome job opportunity??
-waiting for my dad to pick me up after class at 10pm...he got lost and i had to pee really bad and it was raining pretty hard...it sucked
-Jason, my racist friend from field study who calls me Hindu Mafia even though i'm freakin CATHOLIC!!, being nice enough to wait with me until i got picked up
-the friendly tow truck dude who put my spare on for me
-the nice girl in class who offered me her notes after i missed part of class so i could go outside and cough up a lung
-my dad going out in the night to get me cough medicine and cough drops
today i skipped field study cuz i felt like crap after i spent much of the early morning coughing instead of sleeping, but now i feel much better and am gonna spend the rest of my day getting my tire patched, getting a perm (?!?!?!), and studying my ass off...should be an interesting day.
have a good day my friends!
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
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4:21 pm - yay!
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Today is Paul and my 1 year anniversary! We're going to San Diego this weekend to celebrate. Gonna go to the world-famous zoo, a nice ocean view restaurant, and hit up the gas lamp district. and on saturday we're gonna cross over into Mexico for a few hours (my first time outta the country in over 14 years!). i'm excited...it'll be fun!! ok, gotta run errands and go to class. peace! oh yeah, I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!!
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| Saturday, October 16th, 2004
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6:34 pm - look me up!
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the issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology that has my paper in it is finally out!! go to the library and check me out!! or click below...
I'm published baby!
this is one of the proudest accomplishments of my life...two years of damn hard work but it was worth it...i'm in like every library in the world! and if all goes well, i'll have two more publications within the next year or two, cuz even though i left the lab, we have two other projects ready to go. so Stephane's gonna start writing in France and he'll be back next summer and hopefully we'll be able to get two more papers out of our results. sadly, i cant afford the ridiculous price for a subscription of my own, so i'll have to settle for the reprints i get from the journal and going to the library to look myself up. anyway, thanks to all those who gave me lots of support and encouragement when i bitched about long days in the lab...THANK YOU!!!
current mood:  accomplished
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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4:26 pm - brought to you by the phrase "you're ugly!"
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this was a pretty good week overall. Erwin&Fire made dinner for me after the LOG meeting on Tuesday, and we just ate, laughed and talked...good times. he's such a cool kid with a good heart, and cooks up some pretty mean longanisa too. i've also been chillin with Angfoo a lot lately...singin along while she plays her guitar, being bitter, and laughing until it hurts. last night we perfected the fake lesbian kiss and came up with our master plan to earn us some major ching while hangin with Cristina, Frances, and Kaylene.
Cristina: "i'll pay you guys $10 bucks if you really kiss each other"
simultaneously: Nimz: No!
Angie: $20!
Angie: what? i'm broke.
hahahaha...too funny.
after some jammin, hair straightening, poem sharing, and happy b-day remixing for Em's voicemail, i went home and pretty much crashed.
and today i hung out with Paul. we had a really good time. he came over after work and we went to Boomers where he beat me at air hockey and miniature golf (we each got a whole in one!)...grrr. but we had fun at the batting cages and this one video-motion ride thingy that we went on twice. then we went to Maggiano's for lunch cuz i have some gift cards (i took Fran there before and we got bad service, complained, and got $100 worth of free gift cards). we ordered a crapload of stuff, got super full but still ordered dessert, have tons of leftovers, and i still have $50 worth of gift cards left! i had a good time just hangin and laughing with him today cuz we like never get to see each other during the day usually. we're still trying to figure out if we can squeeze in something cool for our anniversary, but even if we cant go anywhere, i know it'll be awesome.
thumbs down to:
-being sraight up ditched by a friend
-a crappy day at field study
-being called "baby" by my senile boss...i ain't yo baby foo! step off! but as another intern put it, "if he was 20 years younger it would be sexual harassment, but now, it's like eh just humor him"
thumbs up to:
-my awesome schedule...perks of being a senior baby!
-laughing really hard
-harmonies and my harmonica
-my awesome big bro Brian for stickin up for me
current mood:  creative
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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2:20 am - da da da...
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i feel so freakin much better!! it feels good to just let it all out. i had a great day. i woke up late, had time to get pretty, hung out with Paul and then later chilled with Angie. i realized that i just needed to vent and get out of the house for once. i did like nothing all summer except work and go to school and it was seriously bringing me down. but i'm gonna rock my last two quarters at UCI fo sho!
ok, so my new boss is so senile. he's like 73 and retiring soon. he cant remember my name and asks me about stuff that he assigned to someone else. and don't ever get in a car with him...you will DIE! the other interns are super cool and so is my other boss. in between making racial jokes about each other, talking about the crazy cases we've seen, and actually getting work done, we have a lotta fun. and the new joke around the office is about how i get hit on by a lot of criminals...including female inmates. it's crazy, but it's great. i'm getting some really great experience and learning how the system really works.
i had such a good time with Paul today after a long time. our one year anniversary is in about 10 days...i can't believe it's been so long...and it's crazy how much we've been through together in such a short time. i love my boyfriend!!! hopefully we'll be able to get plans together in time to have the cool anniversary that we want.
moral of the story: it's good to vent!
thumbs up to:
-having a boyfriend who buys flowers...for your mom! how sweet!
-friends who make you laugh
-my coworkers
thumbs down to:
-rash judgements
-bad drivers
peace out...and dont forget to vent!!
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 7th, 2004
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10:32 pm - i'm uncensored...don't take it personal
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for once i'm gonna say what's really on my mind...
people piss me off. i'm angry right now, so i'm going to be mean. the next person who smokes in my face or continuously talks in class while i'm trying to actually hear the professor is gonna get some serious attitude from me. i already "shhhe"ed people and gave them dirty looks today...i'm one step from going over the edge. i cant wait to graduate...i'm hating UCI right now. i'm kinda suprised at how non-emotional i am about leaving. i guess it's cuz, though i'll be done, i wont really be leaving Irvine for awhile. i have a whole year of LSATs, applications, and working before i even find out if i got into any law school. but i'm not gonna miss the rich, unappreciative kids who put their nasty bare feet all over the backs of the chairs, the jerks who steal other people's parking spots, the disrespectful smokers, the bigots, or the judgemental professors who decide whether you belong on their good or bad list from one encounter with you. one professor went off on me this summer cuz i missed like 30 minutes of a lecture and asked how i could get the info. her whole thing is that she doesn't repeat lectures and i totally understand that...she had said that the whole quarter and i agreed with her...it made sense. but the one person i knew in the class dropped out and the guy i asked in class had come late also. so i had no one to get the info from. she knew i'd only missed 30 fucking mins out of 5 weeks and that the only reason was because i wasn't feeling well. trying to be a good student, i dragged myself out of bed and made it to most of that lecture anyway. in the middle of her rant, the TA stood up for me, knowing that i'd been there everyday and aced every assignment. though i got the royal screw you from the prof, i still got an A in the class. i resent that she immediately thought i was a bad student just cuz i missed a part of a lecture...i understand that professors run into a lotta students like that...but get over it...dont stereotype us all. they can all kiss my ass.
people have been really rude to me lately and it's making me bitter. the world needs to just grow up. Paul's best friend for example...he's never spoken more than 10 words to me, i've only met him twice (once at Paul's mom's funeral) and he already dislikes me just cuz i'm a friend's girlfriend and he can't handle that. fuck that shit. i gave him a chance for almost a year, and he cant meet me halfway. i've never once stopped Paul from going out with his friends and they see each other more than Paul and i see each other...isn't that proof enough that i'm not that stereotypical best-friend-stealing bitch girlfriend? i've never been that person, and i never will be...but thanks for judging me without knowing a single God damned thing about me...go to hell mother fucker.
and yeah, i judge people too...but the difference is that i dont act on those judgments...and i take the time to get to know people before i make up my mind and shut them out.
in all my 21 years of life, my mom has said i love you only a handful of times...and i realized today that it's only when she wants something. most other times she just hangs up on me. and sadly, i'm the only one who truly tries to care for her. it's great.
also, i strongly dislike pretty much all of my mom's side of the family. they have never been there for her or for me. they are full of bullshit talk and that's about it. they never follow through, they lie, they cheat, and they steal. they are the ugliest people i've ever met. if your sister were sick...wouldn't you give a damn? and to all those "family" members who told me they'd be there for me that i haven't heard from in over a year since those promises...i'll never ever believe a damn word you say ever again...so don't bother calling me now...the insincerity in your voices makes me sick.
maybe i sound like an angry, hateful person...and maybe to you that's who i am. but i know myself and i know these words are justified. i dont wanna know what you think because it doesn't matter to me anymore.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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11:47 pm
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My dad came home from a day in court and said "today is a dark day in my life". All I could say was "I know, but what can ya do?". Three days after my dad's 57th birthday, my parents are officially divorced.
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1:52 am
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i turn 22 in about three months. i really dont know where this year went. did i do anything worthwhile...something that's beyond the measure of society? i dont know...and that's sad.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004
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2:14 pm - i am a whistling kettle...
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yay! so yesterday was Derrick's 21st birthday party at Peking Wok. it was soooo fun!! so before i headed over to the party, i picked up Fran and we went to buy Derrick's present. we wanted to get him some kind of Clippers or Lakers gift, so we went to footlocker. they had a lot of really nice hats, but they were the fitted kind, and we didn't know Derrick's hat size. so Fran made me go ask some random customer who was about Derrick's size what his hat size was. the guy was cool...he was like "um...i think maybe it's like a 7 and a half...why?" and i said that we were trying to get a hat for my friend...and the guy goes "oh yeah? and he has a big ol' dome like me?" and i just started laughing cuz i didnt wanna say like yeah, it's huge. he was nice to help us out...but we ended up getting a gift certificate. haha.
Derrick's bro really knows how to throw a fun party. they had this big, private room in the restaurant and good ass food, and his bro showed a funny ass slide show of baby pictures of Derrick and made him do random things like "ocho ocho". all the girls had to get fortune cookies at the end of dinner...and only the girls. and all the fortunes were like the secret admirer ones and all the romance-related ones. and then we had to look to see if our wrapper had a black mark on it (which mine did), and those with a mark had to go give Derrick a b-day kiss...on the CHEEK you perves! haha...j/k. later on i discussed boob size with the girls...and Fama comes along to judge Fran and my boobs and then goes "i think mine are the biggest (little laugh from me) WHY YOU LAUGHING?!?!?" man, you had to be there...we were crackin up. anyway, i had fun dancing and taking "model" pictures and just messing around with everyone...i needed to get out man! i swear i never go out anymore...but that is gonna change...i'm gonna party at least one a month and hang out with my friends more often than just at LOG meetings.
so after that, i headed over to Paul's, since the restaurant we went to was just down the street from his house. we just hung out and talked and i BEAT HIM AT CHECKERS!!! mwahahahahaha!!!! then i headed home around 3am and just missed getting a ticket. i've never even been pulled over before, so i feel like i'm overdue, cuz i speed ALL the time. so i was looking down to change the radio station and i was gonna merge onto the 405 pretty soon so i slowed to like maybe 75 (i was going about 80 or 85 most of the way) and as i looked up this highway patrol car passed me by...i was like...whew! but two seconds later he turns on his lights as he pulls up to a cluster of cars ahead of me, and pulls someone over. why did he skip me? i dunno...maybe 10 miles over the speed limit wasn't worth it for him, maybe the other car was going faster than me...i really dont know. but i'm just glad!! i'm gonna try to be more careful. anywho, that was my night, and it was fun...a bit of a release finally. it just nice to laugh with my friends about stupid crap. that's always the best! aight...gots homework, choir practice, church, and more homework to get to...so i'm outtie! thanks for reading...peace out!
thumbs up to:
-Derrick's really cute and loving family
-laughing wit da homies
-CHECKERS!!!
-friendly strangers
-all those who took the MCAT on Saturday...i'm sure you all rocked it!!
thumbs down to:
-the sleepiness & homework combo
current mood:  happy
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 1st, 2004
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4:27 am - i am a little girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar...
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what's going through my head:
-i miss EVERYONE.
-Spring break is too full of errands and stresses, and one week is not near enough.
-i want my grades already!
-where's the line between being friendly and emotionally cheating?
-once you're with someone,are there rules about who you should hang out with and how you should interact with them, even if you make it clear that you're taken?
-what is it about the 6 month mark?
-i love my parents, my best friend, and my boyfriend.
-Iowa was awesome! i miss her already.
-how do you reset the boundaries?
-i feel a little suffocated.
-what's in store for my future??? what will happen after i graduate?
-fear is probably my greatest motivator...kinda sad.
-how do you know why you dont feel guilty about something normally considered wrong? is it because it's not something you should feel guilty about or because your conscience is not properly formed? or are you just blocking out the guilty feelings?
-i havent really talked to Him in a long time.
-am i lazy?
-would i make a good mom?
-i miss hanging out and doing nothing but just laugh really hard.
-Lent has more meaning to me this year.
-can i stick to all my goals for next quarter?
-Paul better be studying right now.
-Triops really are prehistoric creatures damn it.
-i'm a good person, no matter what anyone else may think of me. but why do i still feel like i have to please/impress everyone?
-why cant i ever completely relax anymore?
-i'm never gonna have a lazy, free summer vacation ever again.
-i dont know what comes next cuz i've never gotten this far before...how can i prepared if i dont know what's coming?
-i'm too dependent on planning ahead.
-i'm really on top of school, research, and Hoag...it feels good.
-i dont know what kind of law i want to go into yet, so stop asking. i just barely decided to go to law school...geez. and most people dont even decide that until halfway through law school.
-do i like grammar cuz i like rules?
-i NEED one night to completely let loose, go wild, and have fun, but i am always worried about something...so i cant have that. help me!
-i miss the newness and the butterflies.
-some people are walking contradictions and havent a clue.
-do i have a clue?
-truly committed relationships take hard work...good thing they're worth it.
-i'm blessed.
thumbs down to:
-small bladders
-bad manners
thumbs up to:
-growth and change
-my amazing boyfriend
-getting random phone calls/messages
current mood:  contemplative
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| Monday, March 1st, 2004
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1:53 pm
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| Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
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11:50 pm - i am a 5-year-old with a brand-new, shiny, red bike...
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first things first...life is good dude!
a lot has happened since i last wrote. i had a week of academic hell...research proposal for UROP, HSO application, a paper, and it ended with two midterms on Halloween...on freakin Halloween man! but all i have to say is...stick a fork in me...i'm done baby!
so yeah, i spent my Halloween asleep. i was gonna go chill with mah Ash Tree boys, but they were being boring and i was totally burnt out. so instead i crashed at like 10 pm...woke up around midnight to the rain tapping against my window and a sweet message...all was well in Nimz land.
but when i woke up the next morning, i thought i was gonna die...i experienced like the worst pain ever. let's just say it was woman issues...i felt light-headed and my head got all numb and tingly for a few seconds...i barely made it to the kitchen to get some Tylenol for the killer cramps. i felt really weak like i was about to faint and couldnt even yell loud enough for my dad to hear me...even though he was right there. then i felt like i was gonna throw up, so i called out for my dad a little louder. i almost asked him to take me to the ER, but a few hours of pain later, i felt perfectly fine, and i've been fine ever since. it's never ever been like that before...not even close...what's up with my body man?? sorry if that was too much info kids...but hey, deal with it...it's part of life.
so after i got done with everything i was supposed to do that day, i hung out with Paul...good times as always. we watched part of Sleepy Hallow but ended up watching SNL and just talkin and jokin around instead. and i said my favorite Tagalog sentence to his mom..."mahal kita pero baba natan kita(i love you but i'm gonna beat you up)!" and then a few minutes later Paul told her that i said i was gonna kick his @$$ and i hit him for that. she laughed, but now she either thinks i'm funny or that i'm a total psycho! woo-hoo...good job with scoring the parental points Nimz! good thing his dad went out of town after the first time i met his parents...i still have a chance to redeem myself with him at least.
anywho, then i had to go do training for the new class at Hoag. so we were there for like 5 hours Sunday, giving tours and what not. i had fun just chilling with the leadership crew during downtime and making fun of each other. and throwing candy at Paul, Daniel, and Rodney, almost killing them. Mike said i have a good arm...damn straight! j/k! i accidentally hit one of the guys in the new class while trying to throw candy to Cassandra...it's all good tho...i know CPR! and all i have to say to Ryan is...YES I AM LEFT-HANDED, PUNK! ya, so i probably ate a little too much of the candy i was supposed to be giving away...Jen and Karen were laughing at me cuz i was totally grubbin on shock tarts during Jeopardy and i got a wee bit hyper.
anyway, then did parking lot talk with Paul and headed to church. mass was good as always and then we had an amazing benefit concert practice too...i truly felt the spirit...it was awesome! so now i have a couple things left to do to prep for another week of academic fun...and then i get to sleep. this week should be good though cuz i dont have much to stress me out and i'm gonna try to spend a lotta time with friends, especially Loggers, to make up for the past week or so. sorry i was MIA kids...i missed ya'll!! so yeah, i'm gonna have my hot date with Angie, chill with God's Beloved (yeah family #2!! woo-woo!!!), catch up with Ash Tree and Roomie 4 Life hopefully, and see what's goin on with Reg, Shelbs, Brian, and Steph. i miss my peeps!!
something random...this has stuck with me through the years and it applies to my life right now, so i thought i'd share:
"If you never get to know anyone different from you, then you're truly missing out on an important part of life."
-Dianne @ my first LOG Girls' Sleepover
sometimes it's your own friends that have the most wisdom to offer.
aighty, so that was my last two weeks in a nutshell...i'm sure i forgot a lot...and some things should just be left as simple memories for myself only...but if i think of anything else...i'll add it later. ok, now imma go handle my biznass yo!
thumbs up to:
-being pampered and spoiled
-candy
-slow jams
-trust
-crackin up in bio. lecture with Andrea and Marvin..."he looks like he just came out of the womb!"
thumbs down to:
-cramps!
-being afraid to open up
-tardiness
"And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last." -Counting Crows
aight, i'm out! take care of yourselves everyone! God bless! peace!
current mood: loved
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| Tuesday, October 14th, 2003
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3:04 am - i am an unfinished rubix cube...
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good news...my dad's working it out so he can make it to SL in time for my grandma's bday and back here in time for mine. man, that makes me so happy! i used to wanna go out with friends for sure on my bday...but the older i get, the more important it is to me to spend it with my parents. i mean, they're the reason i'm in this beautiful world...i just want them to know i appreciate the love they give me. though i never say it, i love my mommy and my daddy!
anyway, my dad will be gone from Nov. 20th to Dec. 19th or 20th. a little house party after finals?? i think so! speaking of parties, i really need to get started on planning for vegas for my bday. i'm gonna be mad at myself if i dont get it together in time to get a lotta ppl to go. so yeah, i'm on it. if anyone has any tips, hook a sista up ya hear?!
so sunday night i ate with the SH boys after mass. they are some pretty cool cats. all very sweet guys who love the Lord and are loyal, true friends. I'm really happy to be getting closer to them and to be learning so much from them.
after dinner, i had a leader meeting for LOG. Bunso is my family partner!! I was so excited about that!! That girl inspires me to no end! It's gonna be nothing less than awesome working with her. with the grace of God, we're gonna accomplish some great things...i can just feel it!
Reg called me today, and even though i couldnt have lunch with her, it was the best thing ever to hear her voice! reminded me of old times...we're hoping to chill on Friday tho. I also talked to Bri-Bri today...i miss him so much sometimes. there's just no one out there like him...and no one else who comes as close to being my long lost brother as him. i just wish he and Steph would visit more! i talked to Steph too...she cracks me up and we have some great talks...they make an awesome couple. i say awesome a lot...
anyway, later on NG-foo picked me up and we went for a little drive and stopped by Stanford park. we had a chill talk. good times. then i rushed off to kickboxing where i ran into Mark Calub and Andrea made me laugh as always.
oh, just a note...everyone needs to STOP making the multiplication joke!! like for reals!!
ok, so i just wanna say that, all in all, life is really good right now. so i need to enjoy it and stop worrying about the future and stop complaining. it's true that i'm really confused about where i'm going and what i want in a lot of aspects of my life at the moment, but i really have nothing to complain about. many doors are being opened for me, and i have all the time in the world to choose the right path for me. so as of now, i am going to relax and go with the flow. as long as i'm true to myself and honest with everyone around me, only good things can follow. all i pray is that i do His will...i know He sees my real desire to do only what He wants of me...and for now, i think that's enough.
to all those that asked for my prayers, you got it kids!
thumbs up to:
-Paul...that boy makes me laugh so hard and listens to me go on about my issues and worries...thanks dude!
-having lunch at lunchtime
-possibilities
-friendly salespeople
-guidance
thumbs down to:
-smoking...you know who you are
-closed-mindedness
-broken promises
"Try to figure out what all this is for...try to see the world beyond your front door." -Barenaked Ladies
God bless, my friends!
current mood:  grateful
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| Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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9:46 pm - I am an earthquake-proof china collection...
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That just says it all. I am truly in safety mode right now...and i'm not proud of it. i wish i wasnt so afraid to risk my heart...to make life-changing decisions...to follow through and show that i care. it's like i'm so delicate inside, but i put on a tough exterior...i dont wanna be fake. but i'll give myself credit for this much...i'm more prepared for what life has in store for me than i was a year ago...i know i've grown...a lot. it's gonna be hard to not make the same mistakes again, but i'm ready to be put to the test.
lately, when my thoughts drift off...whether it be in class or while i'm driving, or taking a shower or before i fall asleep at night...it always leads to one memory. i keep thinking of the summer i lost my grandma. that whole week. the call i got...the drive to the valley...the first visit in her room...the sigh of the ventilator...the days of agony, late night rosaries, family togetherness, family feud...the tears behind surgical masks...my mother's face as i pulled my arm out of her grip...crying alone on the curb outside Northridge hospital...her cold hands...the last kiss...the closing casket...the 3 friends who made the effort to come to the funeral...glancing up from the podium as i read words i didnt write...walking through the sea of pitying eyes...breaking down in front of a church full of people...the first hug...her favorite hymns...the dirt slipping through my fingers...the aftermath. for the first time, i asked myself why i keep thinking about this...and why so much right now? it's been a little over a year...so why now? maybe because that was the week the truth came out...the reality of my life. for the first time, everyone got a little peek into my world. all i know is that i miss her. i love my daddy, but sometimes it's not easy being a 20-year-old young woman on her own...some things just need a mother's touch. if i understood then what i understand now, i would've had so much to ask her before she passed. i have so many questions...i just need some good advice. i still feel her presence...i think i always will...and i believe that, besides Our Lady, she's truly my #1 prayer warrior.
last week i helped welcome baby girl Gabriella into the world...and today came big 9 lb, 10 oz baby boy Brody. he pee'd like crazy all over the OR floor as the doctor carried him to the warmer...it made me bust out a wide grin under my mask. it was the second c-section that i've seen. it was so beautiful and emotional as always. but i was struck with sadness when i found out that his birth would be followed by a tubal ligation for his mother. it hurt me to watch it. all the while, i prayed for that family and thought about the SFL (Students for Life) meeting i was about to go to after my shift...it affirmed the reasons that i'm so pro-life. some things should be left in His hands alone.
when i got home tonight, my dad told me that he wont be here for my 21st bday because he's going to Sri-Lanka. he's only missed one of my birthdays my entire life..and that was cuz of the army. he said that around xmas is the only time he can get paid leave from Boeing, so he wont be back until January. he tried to work it out so he could be here, but just couldnt. i totally understand why he has to go, but i'm just sad. having a bday between xmas and new year ensures that none of your friends will be around to celebrate with you. last year i went to research and spent the rest of the day sleeping on the couch cuz i was sick. it'll be kinda nice to have the place all to myself for 3 weeks, but my bday will be lonely. maybe i'll spend it at Kristine's. or maybe i just need to stop having a pity party and get over it cuz i know my family and friends love me, whether they're there for my bday or not. man, it's been an up 'n down kinda day.
anyway, just wanna shout out to Kristine, Reg, and Shelbs...cuz i miss mah girls!!
this long-@$$ entry has been brought to you by the letters A-N-G-I-E and G-P cuz they reminded me over and over and over again that i needed to get my blog on. thanks...i guess. :P
just for fun: (courtesy of Vince's journal)
GENERAL INFORMATION...
[o1.Name] Nimalee Dharshini Wickremasinghe...booyah!
[o2.Hair color] black
[o3.Eye color] brown
[o4.Current height] 5'3...i'm still growing damnit!
[o5.Glasses/Contacts] contacts
[o6.Birthdate] 12/30/82
[o7.Star sign] capricorn
[o8.Current age] 20
[o9.Siblings] only child baby!
[1o.Siblings age] see above
[11.Location] irvine, ca
[12.Any piercings] one in each ear and bellybutton...my parents were pissed about the latter!
SOCIAL LIFE...
[o1.Best friend] my most awesomest friend ever since 6th grade...Kristine! i trust this girl with my life...i cant say that about any other friend. hi Weenie!!
[o2.Boyfriend/Girlfriend] no
[o3.Current crush] i'm figuring it out with the help of my homie J.C.
[o4. Hobbies] singing, kickboxing, learning to play my harmonica, swimming
[o5. Are you timely or always late] a little bit of both..but i'm dependable for sure
[o6. Do You Have A Job] i have many...but sadly, none of them pay. it's all good until i run out of the money i saved up this summer...haha
[o7. Do You Like Being Around People] i'm a people person for sure...i think being an only child makes me that way...but i need my Nimz time once in awhile too
STUFF...
[o1. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with] never been in love
[o2. Have you ever cried over someone of the opposite sex] yeah
[o3. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after] looking at all the people i've liked or been with, there's really no common theme...but for sure i look for guys who love God and respect women
[o4. Want someone you don't have right now] i think so...like i said, still figuring it all out with the help of prayer
[o5. Ever afraid you'll never get married] sometimes, but mostly i just have faith in whatever He has planned for me...whether it be married life or not
[o6. Do you want to get married] yeah, i do
[o7. Do you want kids] for sure...i'm gonna be a kick-@$$ mommy...better believe it!
FAVORITE...
[o1. Room in house] my bedroom
[o2. Arist] i cant possibly pick just one
[o3. Song] yeah um cant pick
[o4. Memory] my whole childhood...the first live birth i ever saw...laughing until it hurts with my best friend and chillin with LOG
[o5. Day of the week] friday
[o6. Colors] yellow and purple
[o7. Flower] i dont really have one...maybe jasmine cuz the smell reminds me of Sri-Lanka, and we all know my obsession with smell...
[o8. Month] June...school's out!
[o9. Season] summer
[1o. Location for dates] outdoor concerts, anywhere we can dance, anywhere near a lake or the ocean
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
[o1. Cried] during this entry man!
[o2. Bought something] yup
[o3. Gotten sick] no, but everyone around me is sick...so i'm worried
[o4. Sang] fo sho! not a day goes by without singing at the top of my lungs while driving Jellybean
[o5. Said I Love You] i dont think so...
[o6. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't] always...i have issues saying those 3 words to my parents...there's so much emotion behind that phrase that no words could possibly convey...but i'm getting there
[o7. Met someone new] yeah! a lotta ppl! i think that meeting new ppl is one of the best gifts of life
[o8. Moved on] no, but the question is...should i?
[o9. Talked to someone] uh yeah, i'm not a hermit
[1o. Had a serious talk] yeah, quite a few actually
[11. Missed someone] yeah!!
[12. Hugged someone] most definitely
[13. Kissed someone] on the lips? no
[14. Fought with your parents] no
[15. Dreamed about someone you can't be with] no
[16. Had a lot of sleep] not a lot...but a good amount
[17. Wanted this survey to be over] uh yeah...a little
HAVE YOU EVER...
[o1. Gone a week w/o shaving] yeah...i freakin HATE shaving!!
[o2. Didn't wash your hair for a week] yeah...gross, huh? hehe
[o3. Broken something valuable] yeah...my sideview mirror!! boo
[o4. Thought you were in love] i've never been in love...and i dont think i ever thought i was either
[o5. Streaked the streets] not streaked exactly...truth or dare is fun kids!
[o6. Screamed at someone for no reason] yeah and i'm sorry to anyone i've done that to...probably moslty my parents
[o7. Said I love you and meant it] yeah, i wont say it if i dont mean it
[o8. Been hurt by a guy/girl you loved] yeah
[o9.Stayed up till 4 am on the phone] yeah!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...
[o1. Took a shower] this morning
[o2. Cried] within the past hour while writing this entry
[o3. Watched a disney movie] not sure...i wouldnt know if it was a Disney movie for sure...i can never remember stuff like that...we all know how movie deprived i am
[o4. Given/gotten a hug] today
[o5. Been to the movies] took my dad to see Matchstick Men on his bday...so sept 18th
RANDOM QUESTIONS...
[o1. What are your favorite forms of jewelry] maybe rings...but i'm not sure...i just have certain things i never take off...like my cross
[o2. Have you ever liked someone too young for you?] uh yeah...lol...you all know about that one
[o3. Do you think you have multiple personalities?] yeah! i swear i'm crazy!
[o4. Ever walked in on someone changing or showering?] yeah...today actually...some poor girl in a dressing room at the mall
[o5. What is the first thing you say on the phone?] hey (insert nickname here)!
[o6. What are you wearing?] jeans and a purple tank top
[o7. What did you do yesterday?] went to class and research, bought firewood, went to the LOG bonfire!! chilled with awesome peeps!! and jammed at interfaith singing some old school stuff...then i took the long way home cuz the wind blowing in my face felt really good and i was in a reflective mood
[o8. Who was your last crush?] ask the ATM crew...lol. if you know me, then you probably know...but i'm not about to post it on the internet
thumbs up to:
-Cristina...thanks for trusting me...it means a lot coming from you
-cleansing tears
-laughing with my friends
-the ATM crew
-old-fashioned romance
-taking risks
-birth and rebirth
-s'mores
-prayer
thumbs down to:
-abortion
-the boys' nasty loogies
-confusion
these lyrics and the eerie melody always strike me...it just gives such an overwhelming feeling of completely surrendering to love...a trust that is yet beyond my comprehension...but i have faith that one day i'll understand.
Ready For Love
by India Arie
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
God bless you all! i'm out...payce!
current mood:  peaceful
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| Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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2:27 am - i am a pair of new shoelaces...
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Low by Kelly Clarkson
Everybody's talkin'
But they don't say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
but I don't want their sympathy
It's cool you didn't want me
Sometimes you can't go back
Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that?
Well I just have to say
Before I let go...
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
'Cause what you did was low
No I don't need your number
There's nothing left to say
'Cept I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I've gotta go
Have you ever been low? (have you ever been)
Have you ever had a friend let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
'Cause what you did was low
What you did was low
What you did was low
What you did was low
I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can't say that
This to show
For all the time I loved you so
So...
Have you ever been low? (have you ever been)
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
'Cause what you did was low
Have you ever been low? (have you ever been)
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
'Cause what you did was low
Have you ever been low? (have you ever been)
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
'Cause what you did was low
i've been feeling these lyrics lately...i know we've all been there before a time or two. luckily, i'm blessed to have true friends and loving family with not too much drama going on right now...a very nice change. Ms. Clarkson makes a good point...don't live your life with regrets...what's the point? you certainly can't change the past, so learn from your mistakes...and don't waste time wishing it happened any differently...cuz everything we've gone through makes us who we are today. i know it sounds trite, and we've all heard it before, but it's so true...so take it to heart! all that matters now is what you do with what you've learned...God bless us, every one!
thumbs up to:
-trashy reality tv
-fellowship
-people who really take care of other people
-laughing 'til you cry
-satisfying cravings
thumbs down to:
-finals!
-arrogance/conceitedness...it only shows your lack of real self-confidence and your need for constant reassurance...so get over it!
Keep the faith, ya'll. i'm out!
current mood: awake
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